Silent Wish
by Blodigealach
Summary: "I always dreamt that someday I'll be able to hold her in my arms." - Severus Snape


**Series:** Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> J. K. Rowling & Warner Bros Pictures  
><strong>Note:<strong> Contains spoiler for the last book/movie. This is my own interpretation of many things happening in the last book/movie, written from Severus Snape's POV. Comments and critiques are welcomed. But if you don't like it, don't read it. The 'back' button in your browser is still working perfectly, right?

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><p><strong>Silent Wish<strong>

I always dreamt that someday I'll be able to hold her in my arms.

We met when we're still young. I was just a weird little boy from a broken home; she was a cheerful little girl from a nice family. Our first meeting didn't go well, but I can say that we became friends eventually.

Sitting beside her while talking about everything we could talk about, was like sitting beside a fireplace in the cold winter. She brought light and warmth into my dark and cold life. But sometimes, those light and warmth dimmed. That was when we had an argument. However, I always knew that she'd come back again and we'd be friends again.

She is a brave girl. When I was picked by other kids, she'd show up and help me. That happened every time. That's why I thought I shouldn't have been surprised when the Sorting Hat placed her in Gryffindor. I'm just a coward and mean-spirited boy. I can't control my emotion well, and end up hurting the people I love the most. And naturally, I went to Slytherin. We're separated not just by houses; we're separated by fate.

While she continued to shine in the light, I was drowned deeper into the darkness. I need power. I want power. There is something, someone, I want to protect. Therefore, I need power to protect that something, that someone. I don't care what way I should take, as long as I get that power I need. But I didn't realize that the way I chose would eventually separate us.

I dislike her getting close to those Marauders; she dislikes me getting close to those Death Eaters to-be. Before I even realized it, we've been separated even further. Every step I took to be stronger for her has become the steps that brought me away from her. This hatred I have towards those foolish Marauders has also driven me into the insanity lane.

There was a time when I almost called her sister 'Muggle', but I held my tongue so I wouldn't hurt her feeling. But I didn't know what happened to me back then… when I called her with that bitter word: 'Mudblood'. I didn't mean to call her that. I never meant to hurt her. But what has been said is still being said. I can't turn back the time. The feelings and friendship that have been severed can't be fixed that easily. Even apologies can't fix it. No matter how many times I tried to apologize to her, she wouldn't accept it.

That is my biggest regret in my whole life.

This is the destiny I chose myself. That is the destiny she chose herself. We've chosen, therefore we stand. We've stood, therefore we walk. We've walked, therefore we're separated. We've been separated; therefore I am once again, alone.

She continued to walk in the light; I continued to walk in the dark. I became Death Eater; she married James Potter. I followed the Dark Lord; she has a son. I begged the Dark Lord not to kill her; she has no clue that her family was about to be eradicated. I begged Albus Dumbledore to protect her; she and James gave their trust to the wrong person. I'm willing to give Dumbledore anything in exchange of her safety; the Dark Lord found her family's hideout. I lost her; her son lives.

He has his father's appearance.

He has his mother's eyes.

I'm having a war inside my heart.

No matter how many times I looked at her son, I'd always be reminded of the one who made my life miserable. But no matter how many times I looked at his eyes, I'd always be reminded of the one I love in my entire life.

I can't bring myself to love that boy; neither can I bring myself to hate him. No matter how similar he is to James, he still has his mother's eyes. He still has the eyes of the one I truly love. He is the only thing that connects me to Lily, the only proof that Lily hasn't really gone from this world.

But then again, I had to face him and his nonsense babbles about how great James is. It was like looking at James bragging about himself… and Lily complimenting him. It felt disgusting and hurt at the same time. I wouldn't mind if he praised Lily like that, because every good thing about Lily is true. But about James, I should object. He didn't know his father's true nature. He didn't know what kind of man his father was. He didn't know, and he wouldn't know, since the ones who told him about his father were his friends.

But one day, he accidentally looked into my memories. Even worse, what he saw was 'that'… the day when I called her 'Mudblood'.

I want to forget that day. I don't want to remember it at all. But no matter how hard I try to forget, it'll always come again and again.

He saw a glimpse of his father's true nature. He saw a glimpse of my terrible past. And soon enough, he'll know everything.

Dumbledore told me that Harry must die. The kid I've tried to protect for his entire life must die for the sake of the world. I told Dumbledore how tragic it is, and he misread me. He thought I started to like that boy. I just silently casted my Patronus spell, letting it to take its form. It was a doe, the same like Lily's Patronus. It was created from my one and only happy memory: my days with Lily.

He was surprised. Maybe he never thought that I'd still love her even after her death. Maybe he doubted that there really is someone who had very strong feelings towards another. But I will always love her, even after all this time… always.

Even when I have to face my own death, I'm not afraid at all. My fear of death has long gone. It's not like I'm hoping to find Lily in the afterlife. After all I've done to her; I doubt that I can still meet her 'there'. I don't think my sins can be washed clean just by this. The least I can ask is to be released from this miserable and hurtful life.

"Look… at… me…"

I want to see her again, for the very last time.

"You have your mother's eyes…"


End file.
